End Zone
Super Bowl LIII is this weekend. To be honest, I don’t care that much. I only watch football in social settings or while scrolling on Instagram to catch highlights. I don’t mind it, but Super Bowl LIII isn’t my Super Bowl. My ratings contribution is simply so that I have something to do with friends and so I can talk about the game and the commercials with friends after. But, there is one aspect of the game to which I’m not ignorant:
Whoever has the ball expects for the players on the other team to come for him.
This past year has been a deconstruction of how I thought my life would turn out. Simultaneously, there’s been a renovation of my heart. And those two have demanded that I fortify my foundation. That process has been less than fun, but I’ve learned a lot along the way. I’m sure there’s a lot more to unpack, but there’s one revelation that I caught a few months ago that has revolutionized how I look at the structural integrity of my being.
It is imperative that you learn who you are in Christ, the talents He has given you, and the calling* on your life, BEFORE the world starts to recognize who you are, what you carry, and where you’re going. Because if the world starts to put a demand on you before you know who you are, you’ll operate out of insecurity to hear the applause of the world, even if that means sacrificing the purpose of the platform!
Imagine a NFL running back who didn’t know who he was or what team he played on, what he carried, or where he was going. The opposing team comes along and recognizes who he is, what he carries, and where he’s going. They say “Hey, you’re pretty good. You’re impressive to me. You’re carrying something special. Can I have it?”
You laugh, but without knowing those three essentials of his personhood, he very well may hand over the ball, to win the applause of people. When you don’t know you, your default is to operate out of insecurity. Obviously, this would never happen, because you don’t get to play at that level without first understanding the fundamentals.
I make a lot of mistakes, but as I look back on them, 98% of the time, the only reason I made a painfully bad choice was because identity crisis rendered me insecure. Imposter syndrome, being a hypocrite, my gifts taking me into rooms I never dreamt for myself, comparison - all of it resulted from not knowing who I am. But as I spent time researching myself over the past year, that insecurity gave way to observation.
Most people think the opposite of insecurity is confidence. But you can’t be confident in confidence. You’re confident in what you know to be true. You’re confident in what you observe.
And as I spent time being honest with myself. Interrogating scripture. Baring my soul before the Lord uncensored. Asking God why He chose me. Having community hold me accountable. Researching not just my family tree, but the tree that made the cross that made me an heir to the Kingdom, insecurity morphed into observation.
I’m confident, not in who I am in my own strength, (If anything this year has shown me there’s literally NO reason to put confidence in my flesh). But I am confident in the team I play for. I am confident in the victory that I walk from. I am confident in the work of the cross. I am confident in the Holy Spirit’s ability to renew me. I am confident in the providential hand of God. Because I’ve observed who, how, and why He made me the way I am (Jeremiah 29:11). I’ve observed that the team I play for, can’t be stopped (Hebrews 12:28). I’ve observed the talents He’s given me (2 Timothy 1:14). And I’ve observed where I’m going (Philippians 3:14).
When you know who you are, you don’t need to be validated by other people. You’re not waiting for anyone to tell you-you're worth it, you’re valuable. You already know that. And when you know who you are, you’re much less disappointed when certain people don’t want you.
I’m grounded.
I’m reaching a stage where instead of giving in to every option presented to me, I thank them for the offer and make my decision not based on the insecurity of not believing anybody - at least not anybody important - would ever see me, let alone want me, but out of the observation that God is doing something in me and through me that no ear has heard, and no eye has seen.
I’m just going to keep running until I reach the end zone. Because as my friend Hannah says, “at the end of you, is the beginning of Jesus.”