this one thing
So today was the 10th one. Ten years of Fathers Day with no Father to celebrate. And I don’t know, I thought I could handle it. I thought “Hey. I’ve gotten up and done this time and time again, not only on this day but birthdays, and anniversaries, and a wide assortment of holidays…they’ve all gone on and for the most part, I’ve been ok. Today will be no different.”
I was wrong. Today, I cried. Really cried. The ugly kind, with snot and hair pulling. I think I actually managed to make my eyes sore. I guess losing your dad is something you never fully get over. My dad died when he was 42 and I was 11. Time has passed, healing has come. Still, I miss him. He was a great big hugger. I got that from him. He had a very loud and very distinct laugh. Unfortunately, I also got that from him. He was a leader. I got that from him too. And I think the greatest inheritance he gave me was that he cared for people. No matter how dirty they were, he was the good Samaritan. I’m still working on unwrapping this gift, but I think – I hope, I got that from him too.
But today was different from other times that I’ve cried for dad. Today, as I sat on the front row at church, those tears of pain were blended with tears of gratitude and tears of hope. Gratitude that I do have a Father, who is ever-present with me, and hope for the kind of father I want to be for my children one day.
Your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me.
As those words echoed off my lips, as they have hundreds of times before, I felt the weight in a new way. This wasn’t just my God or my Lord or my Savior talking to me – which is an insanely beautiful reality all by itself – but this was my Daddy speaking this over me. And maybe if I had it all together, I would’ve just sang the song. Maybe if I reciprocated consistently even a fraction of that love given to me, I would’ve been able to stand. Maybe if I had anything to show for myself, I could have gently opened the door and let those words in. But the truth of it is, I don’t have it all together. The reality is my heart is fickle. I am Paul in that all the things I don’t want to do, I do. And all the things I want to do, I don’t do, and I’ve been walking with Jesus for a while. And so I didn’t stand a chance at quietly walking over to the door and graciously welcoming those words. No. Sorry to have to quote Miley here, but that truth swung down like a wrecking ball, obliterated the door, punched me in the gut, and carried me with it back up to the heights of lying at the feet of Jesus. I know what Hillsong means by “upward falling” now. And it’s the best way to fall.
and on and on and on and on it goes. yes, it overwhelms and satisfies my soul. and I’ll never ever have to be afraid cause this one thing remains
I’ll never have to be afraid. A big part of my story is fear. Fear from not knowing how to be a man in the wake of being robbed of my model for manhood. But today as the momentum of the weight of the love of my Father carried me up, I was lifted above the confusing and seemingly overwhelming forest of life and into being overwhelmed by glory unimaginable. High above any lie of the enemy that would eclipse my view of Abba, I saw truth.
in DEATH, in LIFE, I’m confident and covered by the power of Your great love. my debt is paid. there’s nothing that can separate my heart from Your great love.
So even though to this day I am literally walking through the valley of the SHADOW of DEATH, I will fear no evil, for You, my Father, are with me in this LIFE.
So Happy Fathers Day to you God, my dad, Creator and Sustainer of the Universe! I’m thankful for the journey you’re walking beside me on. And thank you for being a good good father. And I know I’m not all the way “there”, but thank you for the gifts you’ve given me. I love what Dr. Norman Buchanan passed on to me but for what You’ve given me, I have no words.This righteousness that I wear against condemnation and shame, I got that from You. Joy? Passed down to me. Faithfulness, You’ve shown that more than any other. Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Gentleness, Self-Control, and LOVE…if anyone sees any of that in me, I got that from my Father. Thanks for passing on your genes into my soul God. Help me to be faithful with all you’ve given, while trusting you to do the work of bringing me to completion in You, for Your name’s sake. I love you Daddy.
Here are a couple of songs that are helping me better see God as Father.